Well I've had many small fights with my friends and I guess that is natural as we all have conflicting views on certain subjects, but this one fight went way too far.
We had been good friends for almost 3 years and when we were 16, she was going through some “relationship crisis” and seemed to take out her frustration on everybody else. I generally hate letting people go, especially good friends so I put up with her complaining ALL the time, bitching about my other friends for no apparent reason, taking out her frustration by blaming others and snapping at me for no reason. At first I was convinced it was just a phase and she would get over it but over a month with no change I was the only one left who would still talk to her. This is when it really started getting annoying because her problems weren’t any bigger than what any ordinary person faced at 16 but she made it seem like she was in hell and as much as I tried to help she wouldn’t stop snapping at me.
We did have a few small fights when I thought she was being unfair but nothing big until she seriously insulting a few good friends and she decided last minute that she wouldn’t come to a movie she had agreed to come the previous week and we had already gotten the tickets. After the movie I called her to find out why she blew us off last minute and she had given a family outing as an excuse, turns out she never went. Finally I couldn’t stand to listen to her anymore and I told her she was being a self-centered diva, we went on arguing for a good hour and finally I stopped talking to her.
We ended up not talking for almost a year before finally catching up again and now we’re friends again and she has changed a lot since then and I’m glad we’re friends again. At that time I thought I did the right thing as I really could not stand her anymore but now when I think about it, it was unfair of me to simply lash out like that and maybe I could have handled myself better.
Any suggestions on what I could’ve done ?
Hi Uttara!
ReplyDeleteI think friendships are beautiful yet painful sometimes. And I understand how you would have felt at that time when she left you all in the lurch. I think it’s inevitable that you got angry and lashed out at her so don’t worry, everyone slips up once in a while and that’s understandable! This friend of yours must have had a lot of anger bottled up in her and she probably could not find a way to unleash all that so she turned it all on you. I think at this point of time, it would probably be good to find a way to talk to her and just be a listening ear to her. I always find listening than talking to be more effective in resolving conflicts =).
I think you were probably a very dear friend to her and she knew that she would not want to lose you, which is probably the reason why she changed after you left and now you two can get back on track once again. The reason why she threw childish tantrums like not going for a movie and sorts would probably be because she just wanted your attention. If this turns out to be too frequent, it would be best to tell her. I think a good thing to do after you lashed out at her would be to give yourself time to cool off first and maybe write her an email to explain that her behavior was really too much and it would be better for everyone if she changed. It would also be good to tell her that you do not want to lose her as a friend since the both of you have been together for quite a long time already.
I’m really glad that both of you have reconciled and I hope you two have a lasting friendship! =)
You showed considerable self-regulation by controlling your emotions for so long. It is difficult to say how hard the crisis was to your friend. In retrospect, you could have shown more empathy to her as she was going through a hard time and controlled your emotions. It is good that you have reflected on it and are aware of your strengths and weaknesses. Your motivation to persevere with your friend through all her ramblings is admirable. Your mutual decision to leave each other seems contradictory to helping her resolve her crisis but it turned out it made her leave her comfort zone and change herself. There will always be trials in a relationship and if you feel the friendship is valuable, the key is perseverance.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this very personal scenario, Uttara. You describe it fairly well and relatively concisely. However, I feel a bit more description of your friend's character might have enhanced the story. Why do you suppose she acted the way she did? Of course, you can't provide a detailed character analysis, but it would have been useful to give us some indication of why she behaved in such a self-centered manner.
ReplyDeleteThere are some language issues in your telling that keep your description from being more readable. Look at the following comments, and pay particular attention to the sentence structure. Better use of commas would keep your writing from being "rambling."
a) Well I've had many small fights with my friends and I guess that is natural as we all have conflicting views on certain subjects, but this one fight went way too far. >>> I've had many small fights with my friends. I guess that is natural as we all have conflicting views on certain subjects, but this one fight went way too far. (The "well" is to conversational. Also, be sure to use commas between independent clauses.)
b) but nothing big until she seriously insulting .. >> but nothing big until she seriously insultED
c) At first I was convinced it was just a phase and she would get over it but over a month with no change I was the only one left who would still talk to her. >>> At first, I was convinced it was just a phase and she would get over it. However, over a month passed with no change, and I was the only one left who would still talk to her.
d) We had been good friends for almost 3 years.... >>> One of my friends and I had been good friends for almost 3 years....
e) ...she wouldn’t come to a movie she had agreed to come the previous week and we had already gotten the tickets. >>> ... she wouldn’t come to a movie she had agreed to come TO the previous week and we had already gotten the tickets FOR.
f) After the movie I called her to find out why she blew us off last minute and she had given a family outing as an excuse, turns out she never went. >>> After the movie I HAD called her to find out why she blew us off last minute and she had given a family outing as an excuse, but it turnED out she never went.
Do you see what I mean? If you have any questions, please speak to me.
I appreciate your openness and your effort!
Hi Uttara,
ReplyDeleteI can fully empathize with your plight! I do have a friend who sometimes REALLY annoys me, but I've actually been putting up with her for a few years. I think what you could have done was to not let the tensions build up too long, a mistake I committed as well. I think you've been an awesome friend and all, seeing that you were really patient with her and that you gave her time to cool down and to let her emotions settle. But I felt that it would have been better to let her know your point of view as well, especially since her tantrums didn't die down after a month or so. Well, apparently it took a year for her to cool down anyway.
This is from my own experience: I finally decided to talk to my friend about how I felt about her, and how she was affecting me. And it turned out that she had no clue as to how her actions and words have been annoying/hurting me. As it is, she’s now slowly, but surely, improving herself for the better! :) So you can see how communication is really important here!